by Molly Pierce | Jan 8, 2016 | Anxiety Related, Balance, Confidence, Depression, Relationships, Self Image
Anxiety is something that everyone deals with, to some extent, during their life. For some people it’s a passing experience of feeling stressed and overwhelmed. For others, though, anxiety can be crippling. I mean truly, intolerably, despairingly crippling.
You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t focus. Your work suffers; your relationships suffer. You question everything you do, and everything you say. Your mind never stops churning things over. You’re filled with feelings of self-doubt and never being good enough. It’s pure agony.
The term “anxiety” gets thrown around for everything, ranging from feeling nervous to experiencing unrelenting, incapacitating panic attacks. Because of this, there are people who equate “feeling stressed” to knowing what having an anxiety disorder feels like. Unfortunately, this attitude feels discrediting and invalidating to the person who truly experiences the wrath and magnitude of anxiety.
Anxiety can manifest itself as a condition, such as a phobia, social, or generalized anxiety; or on a greater level, it can present comorbidly with other conditions, such as Depression, ADHD, Schizophrenia, and so forth. Anxiety is not a character flaw. I repeat: ANXIETY IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. Anxiety is a neurological imbalance. It is the result of obtaining some unfortunate genetics and/or exposure to certain life experiences. None of those things are your fault in any way.
I am the youngest child of two girls. Some people believe that being the youngest child makes you “selfish.” I would say that I do, in fact, have a tendency towards selfishness. But my selfishness isn’t due to being the youngest child; rather, it’s a result of having to manage my anxiety.
For instance, I can’t be the person who goes and offers comfort to a friend in the middle of the night because of a break-up, or some other challenging situation. I have to be selfish; I need to sleep. Because altering my routine and extending myself could offset my own mental stability. I need to rest. I need to relax. I need time to myself.
I have to “be selfish” in order to operate in a fast-paced, high-producing, performance-based society. I’m at a disadvantage to others, who function at a higher level, and with more ease. Because of my anxiety, my mental and emotional reserves are easily and quickly depleted.
I want to be there for my friends in the middle of the night, when they are hurting, but the fact of the matter is that I can’t. I have to take care of myself. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t discredit me as a kind-hearted person. I absolutely want what is best for the people around me. I simply need my time, time when I am off limits, time to recuperate.
I’ve learned from past mistakes of over-extending myself. There have been times when I’ve tried to be everything to everyone. I went out of my way, above and beyond, to be there for people. Even when I did all that I could, I still felt this hankering guilt that it wasn’t enough; that I wasn’t enough.
I have since learned that the care and support I am able and willing to offer others is enough. I have since learned that I am enough. I realize that I owe it to myself (and others) to take care of me. I have to care for myself at least as well as I care for others. Self-care is a requirement for others-care. And when you think about it, there’s really nothing selfish about that.
* Special thanks to my considerate, generous, hard-working, and capable niece for sharing her story, in hopes of providing understanding and validation for those who face their own struggles, and in hopes of providing insight for others to develop empathy for such challenges.
![Raised by an Addict [Part III]](https://i0.wp.com/trueselfcounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Osmosis-Blog8-Brooke-Shields-Series.jpg?resize=450%2C225&ssl=1)
by Molly Pierce | May 8, 2015 | Addiction, Self Image
[Story Continued from Part II]
Brooke’s self-awareness and mindfulness allow her to break the cycle of addiction and dysfunction in relationships. She is empowered to make her own decisions and do things differently with her children.
A bad childhood mustn’t equate to a bad future.
In a letter to her mother, Brooke reminds us of a very important lesson: not only do you not have to repeat the mistakes of your parents, you get to TAKE THE GOOD, AND DISCARD THE BAD.
I learned about humor survival and perseverance. I learned the power of observation. I learned how to always work hard and try my best. I learned how to never take no for an answer and how to fight for what I want. I learned to pick myself up when I fall and never allow defeat to define me. You taught me to cast of any negative comments and not to sweat the small stuff. You taught me to look for the good in people and to admit that life could always be worse. You taught me how to adapt to my surroundings and to jump into life with both feet. You taught me how to sneak into a second movie, and be silly for a laugh. Throughout the good and the bad, I would not have traded you for any other mother. I would have exchanged some of your behaviors, sure, but I can say that about practically everyone I know, including myself. You did the best you could, and so did I.
There is hope for all of us. We can still become our true selves, even if it’s been hampered for a while. Even if it doesn’t happen until adulthood.
We get to acknowledge the parts of our life that haven’t been ideal, learn from mistakes (whether our own, or those of our parents), and then write the rest of our story. We get to make a better future for ourselves. Our past experiences need not continue to control our lives.
The rest is up to you.
by Molly Pierce | Apr 2, 2014 | Balance
I am always preaching “balance” to my clients.
Whether it’s in regards to having a good balance between your work and personal life…
Balance in having structure, but with flexibility…
Even in one’s personality having a balance between extroversion and introversion.
It’s important to have balance within character traits, as well.
Such as finding the right balance between confidence and humility.
Between passivity and assertiveness.
Between delicacy and strength.
Todd Stocker (writer, speaker, pastor) says, “To live a more balanced life, glance at the past, live in the present, and focus on the future.”
There is much wisdom in having this balanced perspective on life. If you focus too much on the past, you might get stuck in it. However, if you focus too much on the future, you risk feeling anxious about what’s coming. The best approach is to live in the present. Process and work through the past, and plan for the future, but LIVE in the present.
It’s all about balance.
When in doubt: SEEK BALANCE!
by Molly Pierce | Oct 9, 2013 | Self Image
Perfectionism as a Roadblock to Productivity by James Ulrich
The truth behind the personality trait
Published on September 26, 2013 by James Ullrich, M.A. LMHCA in The Modern Time Crunch
Far from being a motivator for productivity, perfectionism (or more precisely, the byproducts of it) can be a debilitating pattern that inhibits healthy functioning.
Though it’s driven many of the great feats of art, science, and sports, it has driven many others to distraction and led to significant problems with beginning and finishing projects. One of the main roadblocks to productivity created by perfectionists is a tendency to procrastinate.
While procrastination is often confused with plain laziness, sometimes it is the byproduct of perfectionism. The daunting nature of the unrealistic goal of perfection can be so intimidating that it leads to a crippling fear of beginning. This is particularly true when one’s self-esteem is closely tied into (or contingent) upon success.
This tendency for perfectionists to yoke their sense of worth to the success of a project can be a prime driver of procrastination. It’s that fear of failure (and the ego-crushing that would inevitably result) that is powerful motivation for avoiding the situation altogether.
Falling short of an unreasonable goal too many times can lead to a sort of learned helplessness, i.e. “no matter what I do, it’s never quite good enough.” Disempowerment follows, which is another significant nail in the coffin of productivity—not perfectionism per se.
The best way to fight this self-reinforcing pattern of negativity is, of course, to water down the perfectionism and thus its unwelcome side effects. How? It’s simple: First, try beginning any project with a good-enough plan and a good-enough skill set. Remind yourself that you can always adjust your plan as you go along, and that you can always find a work-around or draft in help when you’re in over your head.
The important thing is beginning, taking the first steps of the journey. Only then you can develop momentum that can carry you along. Remember the Newtonian gravity rule that, “an object at rest tends to stay at rest”. This can help break through the icy barrier of anxiety that causes procrastination.
Second, decouple your performance from your sense of self-worth. One is not dependent on the other, and punishing yourself for failing to meet an unrealistic goal is simply counterproductive. Talking yourself into a very negative self-image as you castigate yourself is dangerous. Take a more holistic view of yourself and your role in life. Perspective is the key.
This is all easier said than done, and therapy can help.
With these initial steps, you can begin to better manage the anxiety and insecurity issues that drive procrastination and negative self-esteem, the insidious byproducts of perfectionism.
by Molly Pierce | Oct 3, 2013 | Anxiety Related
Interview with Kansas City Blogger Local
High school and college students are no strangers to the effects of anxiety and depression. This segment of the population however, faces a unique type of anxiety and depression that the general population rarely comes in contact with. Test anxiety is a major issue for students the Kansas City metro area. We met up with one local counselor to discuss test anxiety and how to deal with it.
Ben: Hello there. This is Ben Hartman from Blogger Local Kansas City. We’re out in Leawood with Molly Pierce, a Kansas licensed professional counselor and owner of True Self Counseling. We’re meeting with her today to discuss some of the upcoming anxiety that is related to the school season being in full swing. There are a lot of tests coming up. We met with Linden at Get Smarter Prep the other day, and she was actually talking about the ACTs coming up on September 21st. Molly, if you can just tell us a little bit about yourself and True Self Counseling, that would be awesome.
Molly: Aright. I started True Self Counseling in 2010. I really have a passion to help people deal with common everyday problems, such as anxiety, depression, and communication/relationship problems.
Ben: Okay, so you deal with individuals, and then you deal with people in relationships, and then some group counseling as well?
Molly: Yes, absolutely.
Ben: You have a test anxiety clinic going on over at Get Smarter Prep. Tell us about it.
Molly: It’s a one hour clinic in the evening to help students prepare to manage their anxiety, to get the best score that they can on their ACT or SAT. With the ACT test coming up, we actually just did a test anxiety clinic last week.
Ben: Is it open to only people that go to Get Smarter Prep already or is it open to the general public?
Molly: This was the first one we did, and it was just Get Smarter Prep students, but I’m sure that outside people would be welcome to come. There’s just a $25 fee.
Ben: Okay, so this is something that you guys are developing and working on, and it seemed successful this time? There was a good turnout?
Molly: It did seem successful. It seemed like the students really benefited from it.
Ben: There’s kind of two sides to being anxious about tests, the side where it’s impending and you’re stressed and you’re trying to learn as much you can before it comes. Then for some people, afterwards there’s the anxiety of not having gotten the goal they strived for and being let down by or disappointed by their performance. Can you maybe talk a little bit about the difference in the problems face on either side of the test?
Molly: Sure. A lot of the students are getting the help they need in learning how to solve the problems on the exams and they feel confident in that aspect, but they really get freaked out about being timed and running out of time, and then there’s just this train of negative thoughts of like, what if I run out of time? What if I fail? Then I’m not going to get into the school I want to get into, and into my preferred profession.
Ben: It’s a compounding cycle?
Molly: Yes, it can go down this compounding hole of anxiety. Same thing for after the test if they don’t get the score they were hoping for. It’s almost like this sense of impending doom that now they can’t pursue the career that they want.
Ben: Yes, that their life is over.
Molly: Their life is over, even though they can really just go retake the test and go on with life.
Ben: Yes. For some people, they feel like it speaks about them and tells people outwardly something they don’t want to convey.
Molly: That is absolutely true. A lot of people equate their self-worth with how well they perform whether it’s on the test, or in sports, or relationships, or jobs, or whatever, so not getting a good score can actually make people feel pretty bad about themselves.
Ben: Yes. There’s that misconception that the test score you get is a reflection of your worth, and those things are really completely exclusive.
Molly: Exactly, and that type of thinking really leads into depression and just feeling bad about yourself.
Ben: For some people that didn’t come to the clinic what could you recommend? What are some tips that people can follow to get in their habitual nature that will help them avoid getting test anxiety or help them in reducing test anxiety?
Molly: Anxiety is really a twofold issue. There are the physical symptoms of anxiety, so when you feel like your breathing is getting short and shallow, and you might feel tingly. You might feel butterflies in your stomach. One thing you can do is deep abdominal breathing, which really calms your body and soothes the physical symptoms of anxiety.
The other aspect of anxiety is the mental part of it. It’s the thoughts, so if you’re thinking, oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m going to do horrible. I’m going to fail. That thinking is not going to be helpful, so you need to identify that negative thinking and change it into more positive and accurate thinking, such as I’ve prepared for this test. I know what I’m doing. It’s going to work out, and so forth.
Ben: Okay. Do you have any recommended reading for people that need some encouragement, that need to help to and reinforce a better positive mental frame of mind before a test?
Molly: Sure. There’s lots of good reading out there on anxiety and changing negative thinking. One book is the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne. Another good one is When Panic Attacks, which is written by David Burns, and he really does a lot in the treatment of anxiety and depression. He’s pretty big in that world.
Ben: Okay, so that would be some good recommended reading?
Molly: Absolutely.
Ben: We will check back in with you soon so we can learn about some of the group work you’ve been doing over at the Leawood Church of The Resurrection on the topics of depression and anxiety. Thanks for your time, and we encourage our readers to check out your test anxiety clinic over at Get Smarter Prep as well as many of the services you offer.
Molly: Absolutely, and really, anyone struggling with anxiety, depression, marital issues can feel free to check out True Self Counseling to see if we might have services that are helpful for them.
Ben: Definitely. Thanks for your time, Molly.
Molly: Thank you.
