by Molly Pierce | Oct 9, 2013 | Self Image
Perfectionism as a Roadblock to Productivity by James Ulrich
The truth behind the personality trait
Published on September 26, 2013 by James Ullrich, M.A. LMHCA in The Modern Time Crunch
Far from being a motivator for productivity, perfectionism (or more precisely, the byproducts of it) can be a debilitating pattern that inhibits healthy functioning.
Though it’s driven many of the great feats of art, science, and sports, it has driven many others to distraction and led to significant problems with beginning and finishing projects. One of the main roadblocks to productivity created by perfectionists is a tendency to procrastinate.
While procrastination is often confused with plain laziness, sometimes it is the byproduct of perfectionism. The daunting nature of the unrealistic goal of perfection can be so intimidating that it leads to a crippling fear of beginning. This is particularly true when one’s self-esteem is closely tied into (or contingent) upon success.
This tendency for perfectionists to yoke their sense of worth to the success of a project can be a prime driver of procrastination. It’s that fear of failure (and the ego-crushing that would inevitably result) that is powerful motivation for avoiding the situation altogether.
Falling short of an unreasonable goal too many times can lead to a sort of learned helplessness, i.e. “no matter what I do, it’s never quite good enough.” Disempowerment follows, which is another significant nail in the coffin of productivity—not perfectionism per se.
The best way to fight this self-reinforcing pattern of negativity is, of course, to water down the perfectionism and thus its unwelcome side effects. How? It’s simple: First, try beginning any project with a good-enough plan and a good-enough skill set. Remind yourself that you can always adjust your plan as you go along, and that you can always find a work-around or draft in help when you’re in over your head.
The important thing is beginning, taking the first steps of the journey. Only then you can develop momentum that can carry you along. Remember the Newtonian gravity rule that, “an object at rest tends to stay at rest”. This can help break through the icy barrier of anxiety that causes procrastination.
Second, decouple your performance from your sense of self-worth. One is not dependent on the other, and punishing yourself for failing to meet an unrealistic goal is simply counterproductive. Talking yourself into a very negative self-image as you castigate yourself is dangerous. Take a more holistic view of yourself and your role in life. Perspective is the key.
This is all easier said than done, and therapy can help.
With these initial steps, you can begin to better manage the anxiety and insecurity issues that drive procrastination and negative self-esteem, the insidious byproducts of perfectionism.
by Molly Pierce | Oct 3, 2013 | Anxiety Related
Interview with Kansas City Blogger Local
High school and college students are no strangers to the effects of anxiety and depression. This segment of the population however, faces a unique type of anxiety and depression that the general population rarely comes in contact with. Test anxiety is a major issue for students the Kansas City metro area. We met up with one local counselor to discuss test anxiety and how to deal with it.
Ben: Hello there. This is Ben Hartman from Blogger Local Kansas City. We’re out in Leawood with Molly Pierce, a Kansas licensed professional counselor and owner of True Self Counseling. We’re meeting with her today to discuss some of the upcoming anxiety that is related to the school season being in full swing. There are a lot of tests coming up. We met with Linden at Get Smarter Prep the other day, and she was actually talking about the ACTs coming up on September 21st. Molly, if you can just tell us a little bit about yourself and True Self Counseling, that would be awesome.
Molly: Aright. I started True Self Counseling in 2010. I really have a passion to help people deal with common everyday problems, such as anxiety, depression, and communication/relationship problems.
Ben: Okay, so you deal with individuals, and then you deal with people in relationships, and then some group counseling as well?
Molly: Yes, absolutely.
Ben: You have a test anxiety clinic going on over at Get Smarter Prep. Tell us about it.
Molly: It’s a one hour clinic in the evening to help students prepare to manage their anxiety, to get the best score that they can on their ACT or SAT. With the ACT test coming up, we actually just did a test anxiety clinic last week.
Ben: Is it open to only people that go to Get Smarter Prep already or is it open to the general public?
Molly: This was the first one we did, and it was just Get Smarter Prep students, but I’m sure that outside people would be welcome to come. There’s just a $25 fee.
Ben: Okay, so this is something that you guys are developing and working on, and it seemed successful this time? There was a good turnout?
Molly: It did seem successful. It seemed like the students really benefited from it.
Ben: There’s kind of two sides to being anxious about tests, the side where it’s impending and you’re stressed and you’re trying to learn as much you can before it comes. Then for some people, afterwards there’s the anxiety of not having gotten the goal they strived for and being let down by or disappointed by their performance. Can you maybe talk a little bit about the difference in the problems face on either side of the test?
Molly: Sure. A lot of the students are getting the help they need in learning how to solve the problems on the exams and they feel confident in that aspect, but they really get freaked out about being timed and running out of time, and then there’s just this train of negative thoughts of like, what if I run out of time? What if I fail? Then I’m not going to get into the school I want to get into, and into my preferred profession.
Ben: It’s a compounding cycle?
Molly: Yes, it can go down this compounding hole of anxiety. Same thing for after the test if they don’t get the score they were hoping for. It’s almost like this sense of impending doom that now they can’t pursue the career that they want.
Ben: Yes, that their life is over.
Molly: Their life is over, even though they can really just go retake the test and go on with life.
Ben: Yes. For some people, they feel like it speaks about them and tells people outwardly something they don’t want to convey.
Molly: That is absolutely true. A lot of people equate their self-worth with how well they perform whether it’s on the test, or in sports, or relationships, or jobs, or whatever, so not getting a good score can actually make people feel pretty bad about themselves.
Ben: Yes. There’s that misconception that the test score you get is a reflection of your worth, and those things are really completely exclusive.
Molly: Exactly, and that type of thinking really leads into depression and just feeling bad about yourself.
Ben: For some people that didn’t come to the clinic what could you recommend? What are some tips that people can follow to get in their habitual nature that will help them avoid getting test anxiety or help them in reducing test anxiety?
Molly: Anxiety is really a twofold issue. There are the physical symptoms of anxiety, so when you feel like your breathing is getting short and shallow, and you might feel tingly. You might feel butterflies in your stomach. One thing you can do is deep abdominal breathing, which really calms your body and soothes the physical symptoms of anxiety.
The other aspect of anxiety is the mental part of it. It’s the thoughts, so if you’re thinking, oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m going to do horrible. I’m going to fail. That thinking is not going to be helpful, so you need to identify that negative thinking and change it into more positive and accurate thinking, such as I’ve prepared for this test. I know what I’m doing. It’s going to work out, and so forth.
Ben: Okay. Do you have any recommended reading for people that need some encouragement, that need to help to and reinforce a better positive mental frame of mind before a test?
Molly: Sure. There’s lots of good reading out there on anxiety and changing negative thinking. One book is the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne. Another good one is When Panic Attacks, which is written by David Burns, and he really does a lot in the treatment of anxiety and depression. He’s pretty big in that world.
Ben: Okay, so that would be some good recommended reading?
Molly: Absolutely.
Ben: We will check back in with you soon so we can learn about some of the group work you’ve been doing over at the Leawood Church of The Resurrection on the topics of depression and anxiety. Thanks for your time, and we encourage our readers to check out your test anxiety clinic over at Get Smarter Prep as well as many of the services you offer.
Molly: Absolutely, and really, anyone struggling with anxiety, depression, marital issues can feel free to check out True Self Counseling to see if we might have services that are helpful for them.
Ben: Definitely. Thanks for your time, Molly.
Molly: Thank you.
by Molly Pierce | Sep 4, 2013 | Self Image
I am me.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.
There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.
I own everything about me – my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they may be – anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and all the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud of soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
V. Satir, “A Goal of Living”
by Molly Pierce | Aug 13, 2013 | Self Image
I have the courage to . . .
Embrace my strengths—
Get excited about life—
Enjoy giving and receiving love —
Face and transform my fears—
Ask for help and support when I need it—
Spring free of the Superwoman Trap—
Trust myself—
Make my own decisions and choices—
Befriend myself—
Complete unfinished business—
Realize that I have emotional and practical rights—
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants—
Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal—
Honor my own needs—
Give myself credit for my accomplishments—
Love the little girl within me—
Overcome my addiction to approval—
Grand myself permission to play—
Quit being a Responsibility Sponge—
Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately—
Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to—
Choose what is right for me—
Insist on being paid fairly for what I do—
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them—
Say “yes” only when I really mean it—
Have realistic expectations—
Take risks and accept change—
Grow through challenges—
Be totally honest with myself—
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions—
Respect my vulnerabilities—
Heal old and current wounds—
Favor the mystery of Spirit—
Wave goodbye to guilt—
Plant “flower” not “weed” thoughts in my mind—
Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same—
Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow—
Own my own excellence—
Plan for the future but live in the present—
Value my intuition and wisdom—
Know that I am lovable—
Celebrate the differences between men and women—
Develop healthy, supportive relationships—
Make forgiveness a priority—
Accept myself as I am now.
by Molly Pierce | Mar 14, 2013 | Balance, Self Image
Excerpts from The Disease to Please (Harriet B. Braiker)
Additional annotations by Molly Pierce, MA, LPC, NCC
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a people-pleaser? Don’t be so flattered…it’s not really a compliment. It feels better to view people-pleasing as an admirable attribute, rather than look at it for what it truly is: a serious psychological problem.
In actuality, the “disease to please” is a compulsive — even addictive — behavior pattern in which you feel controlled by your need to please others, and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created.
The Disease to Please is comprised of three components: (1) People-Pleasing Mindsets, or distorted ways of thinking; (2) People-Pleasing Habits, or compulsive behaviors; and (3) People-Pleasing Feelings, or fearful emotions.
People-Pleasing Mindset
If you fall into this category, your behavior is driven by a fixed thought that you need and must strive for everyone to like you. You measure your self-esteem and define your identity by how much you do for others whose needs, you insist, must come before your own. You believe that being nice will protect you from rejection and other hurtful treatment from others. You impose demanding rules, harsh criticism, and perfectionist expectations on yourself in an attempt to gain universal acceptance from others.
People-Pleasing Habits
If you fall into this group, you are driven to take care of others’ needs at the expense of your own. You do too much, too often for others, almost never say “no,” rarely delegate, and inevitably become overcommitted and spread too thin. And, while these self-defeating, stress-producing patterns take their toll on your health and closest relationships, they maintain a firm grip on your behavior because they are driven by your excessive, even addictive, need for everyone’s approval.
People-Pleasing Feelings
Under this category, your behavior is primarily caused by the avoidance of frightening and uncomfortable feelings. You will recognize the high anxiety that merely the anticipation or possibility of any angry confrontation with others evokes. (All you conflict avoiders out there — this is you!) Your people-pleasing behaviors are primarily an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation. These fears don’t actually diminish; they intensify as long as the avoidance pattern persists! (Long story short: you have to face your fears in order to overcome them). Because you avoid difficult emotions, you never allow yourself to learn how to effectively manage conflict or how to appropriately deal with anger. As a consequence, you relinquish control too easily to those who would dominate you through intimidation and manipulation.
Living a life of people-pleasing is not the way to go. Your self-esteem takes a massive toll. Your identity and sense of self-worth is all tied up in how much you do for others and how successful you are at pleasing them. It causes your relationships to lose their authenticity; If your niceness prevents you from telling others what is making you unhappy, angry, upset, or disappointed — or from hearing their complaints — there is little chance of fixing what has gone wrong.
Under the surface of your selfless niceness, resentment and frustration will begin to boil and churn, threatening to eventually erupt in open hostility and uncontrolled anger. It takes a physical toll, as well. It may come out in the form of migraine or tension headaches, back pain, stomach pain, high blood pressure, or any of a host of other stress-related symptoms. You will eventually hit the proverbial wall with your energy exhausted and you’ll want to give up, not knowing what else to do. In the end, your trusty habits of people-pleasing will fail you. So save yourself the trouble, and don’t spend your whole life living hostage to its ways.
