by Molly Pierce | Mar 14, 2013 | Balance, Self Image
Excerpts from The Disease to Please (Harriet B. Braiker)
Additional annotations by Molly Pierce, MA, LPC, NCC
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a people-pleaser? Don’t be so flattered…it’s not really a compliment. It feels better to view people-pleasing as an admirable attribute, rather than look at it for what it truly is: a serious psychological problem.
In actuality, the “disease to please” is a compulsive — even addictive — behavior pattern in which you feel controlled by your need to please others, and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created.
The Disease to Please is comprised of three components: (1) People-Pleasing Mindsets, or distorted ways of thinking; (2) People-Pleasing Habits, or compulsive behaviors; and (3) People-Pleasing Feelings, or fearful emotions.
People-Pleasing Mindset
If you fall into this category, your behavior is driven by a fixed thought that you need and must strive for everyone to like you. You measure your self-esteem and define your identity by how much you do for others whose needs, you insist, must come before your own. You believe that being nice will protect you from rejection and other hurtful treatment from others. You impose demanding rules, harsh criticism, and perfectionist expectations on yourself in an attempt to gain universal acceptance from others.
People-Pleasing Habits
If you fall into this group, you are driven to take care of others’ needs at the expense of your own. You do too much, too often for others, almost never say “no,” rarely delegate, and inevitably become overcommitted and spread too thin. And, while these self-defeating, stress-producing patterns take their toll on your health and closest relationships, they maintain a firm grip on your behavior because they are driven by your excessive, even addictive, need for everyone’s approval.
People-Pleasing Feelings
Under this category, your behavior is primarily caused by the avoidance of frightening and uncomfortable feelings. You will recognize the high anxiety that merely the anticipation or possibility of any angry confrontation with others evokes. (All you conflict avoiders out there — this is you!) Your people-pleasing behaviors are primarily an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation. These fears don’t actually diminish; they intensify as long as the avoidance pattern persists! (Long story short: you have to face your fears in order to overcome them). Because you avoid difficult emotions, you never allow yourself to learn how to effectively manage conflict or how to appropriately deal with anger. As a consequence, you relinquish control too easily to those who would dominate you through intimidation and manipulation.
Living a life of people-pleasing is not the way to go. Your self-esteem takes a massive toll. Your identity and sense of self-worth is all tied up in how much you do for others and how successful you are at pleasing them. It causes your relationships to lose their authenticity; If your niceness prevents you from telling others what is making you unhappy, angry, upset, or disappointed — or from hearing their complaints — there is little chance of fixing what has gone wrong.
Under the surface of your selfless niceness, resentment and frustration will begin to boil and churn, threatening to eventually erupt in open hostility and uncontrolled anger. It takes a physical toll, as well. It may come out in the form of migraine or tension headaches, back pain, stomach pain, high blood pressure, or any of a host of other stress-related symptoms. You will eventually hit the proverbial wall with your energy exhausted and you’ll want to give up, not knowing what else to do. In the end, your trusty habits of people-pleasing will fail you. So save yourself the trouble, and don’t spend your whole life living hostage to its ways.
by Caleb | Dec 28, 2012 | Depression
Most people realize all of the emotional, mental and social tolls that Depression takes on a person and his or her loved ones. I.e. Extreme feelings of sadness, excessive guilt, isolation, changes in eating patterns, changes in sleeping patterns, and so forth. However, most people fail to realize the physical risks that Depression has on a person’s physical health. The article below does a great job of pointing out the physical risks of Depression in addition to the emotional, mental and social risks. – Molly Pierce, MA, LPC, NCC
Depression Treatment: Your Heart and Mind Depend on It
Author: Dr. Kira Stein, MD and Erin Yates, Bsc
(kirastein.com; westcoasttmsinstitute.com)
You likely know the impact that depression can have on a person mentally. However, it’s important to note that depression takes a physical toll as well, and it’s important for a person suffering from emotional difficulties to realize that seeking treatment is essential for his or her overall health and well-being.
It’s common knowledge that living with major depression has its mental health risks, including suicide, anxiety, fibromyalgia, and difficulties with attention; but these are not the only implications associated with depression. In fact, recent research has shown that depression can be linked with a number of physical conditions, including heart disease, stroke and decreased cognitive functions. And, the more severe the depression symptoms, the higher the risk for these illnesses.
Physical depression risks
When inadequately managed or untreated, the physical toll depression takes can be significant for sufferers. In fact, these individuals can find themselves at a much higher risk of cardiovascular disease or even death, and studies have proven that even people who did not previously have any type of coronary artery disease before suffering from depression had an increased risk of developing the condition after the onset of depressive episodes.
One study looked at patients aged 60 and older diagnosed with high blood pressure, and found that these people had 2-3 times the occurrence of heart failure when they were depressed. In addition, those who had been hospitalized before for heart failure and also suffered from depression had a higher mortality rate three months (7.9 percent) and a year (16.2 percent) after being hospitalized.
There are also alarming numbers when it comes to depression and the risk of stroke. Studies indicate that untreated clinical depression also increases the risk of having an ischemic stroke and of dying from a stroke. Plus, individuals who suffer from chronic depressive symptoms for several years often experience a decline in cognition, even if the individual’s depression is in remission.
Seek Treatment for Depression
Considering these studies, it’s important for individuals suffering from clinical depression to also look at the physical ramifications of leaving their conditions untreated. After all, people commonly take supplements, engage in exercise and start healthy diets to improve their physical health, but don’t realize that they need to take into account their mental health, as well. Thus, if you or a loved one feel that depression has become a problem, you should have that person seek treatment in order to prevent further health problems in the future.
If you feel that you may need treatment for depression risks, help is available to you. Contact us if you feel you would like to look into your depression risks, set up a consultation and explore your options further.
References:
Abramson, J., et al. Depression and risk of heart failure among older persons with isolated systolic hypertension. Arch Intern Med. 2001 Jul 23;161(14):1725-30.
Empana, JP., et al. Clinical depression and risk of out-of-hospital cardiac arrest. Arch Intern Med. 2006 Jan 23;166(2):195-200.
Jiang, W., et al. Relationship of depression to increased risk of mortality and rehospitalization in patients with congestive heart failure. Arch Intern Med. 2001 Aug 13-27;161(15):1849-56.
Mojtabai, R. & Olfson, M. Cognitive deficits and the course of major depression in a cohort of middle-aged and older community-dwelling adults. J Am Geriatr Soc. 2004 Jul;52(7):1060-9.
Pan, A., et al. Depression and risk of stroke morbidity: a meta-analysis and systematic review. JAMA. 2011 Sep 21;306(11):1241-9. Review. Erratum in: JAMA. Dec 21;306(23):2565.
